International Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day! 

                         
My therapist thinks I'm negative. She's right. I've looked at the world through jaded colored lenses as early as I can remember. I don't celebrate much. Together, we are working on cultivating a more positive outlook. One of the exercises she gave me is basically, in short, to take my response to something like, say, International Women's Day, and basically do the opposite of what I would normally do. In this case, the opposite of what I would normally do is acknowledgement. Typically I would completely ignore this day as one of many arbitrary days on our calendar.

Today, I want to take some time to celebrate being a woman. It's been a very hard year for me and my relationship with femininity has changed a lot. Cancer tends to strip you of your femininity. For me, it took my hair, my eyebrows, my figure, and finally, my breasts. I have never felt so unattractive and unfeminine in my life. The desire to wear form fitting clothes and put on makeup practically evaporated from my life. There are days when I wear my big baggy t-shirt and some flannel pants all day.

I'm not saying that being a woman or being feminine consists of makeup and hair and breasts. I'm am just simply saying that to me, in my life, those things used to be important.  And being a woman means having the right to choose what makes you feel best.

The problem is that cancer doesn't give you a choice. The only options are to give up your hair and breasts/ovaries or die. I've talked to a lot of women in my situation who have stated the same thing: that losing their breasts, ovaries, and hair was extremely distressing and painful to them. They no longer felt like themselves. It's like being an alien dropped in a body that is no longer yours.

Even still, today I want to celebrate myself and all the women who are battling this disease. It's not an easy feat. There are so many challenges, and it takes a strong and powerful person to be able to go through what we go through. It takes a lot to get out of bed and shower despite the crippling doubts and anxiety keeping you up all night. It takes a strong person to go into to work or get up to take care of her kids despite the constant pain and fatigue left over from chemo. It takes courage to get back into the gym after your body has been infused with poison for months.


 Being a woman isn't just about the hair and the boobs. It's so much more. I know it's easy to forget that when you are going through the trauma of what is basically a mutilation of your body. It's so difficult to feel pretty again when you are sick, tired, and missing body parts. But just try to remember that you are so strong and so powerful. You went through something that most people can't even imagine, and you lived to tell the story. That's something to be proud of.

Lova Ya!