Chemo so strong that it has me covering my cat's food dishes with Saran wrap just so I don't have to wash them every day.
I wish I could be an inspirational cancer blogger like the many many women my age I see on Instagram lately. I wish I could take pictures of all the vegetables I'm eating and all the working out I'm doing, but unfortunately being diseased has just made me weaker and way more innovative when it comes to being lazy. I've uncovered new and exciting ways to avoid doing work. Cooking is out of the questions, and mostly, I have been subsisting on carbs. It's the only thing I can keep down. I feel guilt. I know I should completely cut out carbs, sugars, and anything delicious and just subside on kale salads and apples, but it's tough. My life is already garbage right now, why make it worse by eating grass everyday?
Sometimes I wonder how I got cancer. I mean, could it be the food? Could I be killing my body right now with bread and skittles? Was it the plastic water bottles I drank out of through all of my middle school and high school lacrosse practices? It's hard to pinpoint one thing considering almost everything has been proven to cause cancer, at least everything enjoyable. There are obese people who eat horribly and don't have cancer and never will; consequently, there are those who are healthy, the kind of people who run marathons for fun and think a salad is a treat, who end up in my position. Kids who haven't had the chance to soil their bodies with alcohol and high fructose corn syrup get cancer. It just seems random. I'm trying very hard not to constantly fear every move I make. I am trying to avoid being paralyzed by the constant thought that I could be making things worse right now by choosing crackers instead of broccoli.
Cancer is so horrible that, assuming I will come out of this instance cured, I never want to deal with it again. That alone should have me knee deep in asparagus and brussel sprouts. The thing is, I enjoy eating, and I like having a drink. I was never the girl who abstained. Most of my life I lived hard. I am slowing down in my old age, but I still don't want to live my entire life constrained by this disease, constantly afraid to eat a hot dog or drink a glass of wine. Though I am not drinking now, I would like to revisit a champagne brunch in the future, WHEN (not if) I'm cancer free. It's just hard finding that balance between gambling with your life and also wanting to enjoy your life because you really don't know how much time you have left.
I'm tired. Goodnight.
