I started out my day crying. I found out I wouldn't be getting my usual onco nurse, Sheila, the one who takes time to laugh with me while she explains things to me, the one who never hurts me when she sticks the huber needle into my port. Instead, I got a new fledgling nurse named Poon. I immediately started tearing up like a kid having a tantrum. I played it off as just being nervous. I didn't want to hurt Poon's feelings. She wasn't bad. She just made it hurt a bit more than necessary. Also, there was a huge language barrier. All of that was minor, really. The strangest thing was having to yell out "POON" across a silent oncology ward anytime I needed help getting to the bathroom or an extra blanket.
I don't know what it is about cancer that makes a grown adult, one with a job, her own apartment, who has dealt with breakups, deaths and other weighty things relatively well, break down and start mewling over something as little as being attended by a different nurse. The only guess I have is the lack of control. They say that autistic children need to follow a rigid schedule of repeated patterns, that it gives them a sense of security and control. Don't quote me on that, it might be a "fact" I learned from watching Rain Main, or reading some random magazine in a bathroom somewhere that I will never be able to recall. Either way, it sounds right. It makes sense to me, and it almost explains why that small lack of control reduced me to tears.
I don't know, maybe I am way off. I feel like I am shouting into a void. I think about 10-15 have read my last post. If anyone is reading this and you have any thoughts please let me know!
