Chchchchanges

It's been a while since I have written in this blog--partially because lazy, but mostly because I have been going through a lot of changes this past year. One of the biggest thing that has changed for me is acceptance.

When I first started this blog I was extremely angry, scared, upset, and all of the other maladjusted adjectives in the book. I feared for the future. For me, cancer felt a little bit like going to a very long war with an invisible enemy, not knowing anything about the terrain or what would be required to defeat the enemy. It was terrifying. There was a lot of fear in me, and as Yoda so eloquently put it, 'fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering'. I was going through a lot of suffering. I couldn't deal with it all at once.

Today, I have moments where I suffer. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I can see a future. I have been through some of the toughest things I will face in my life, and I am ready to write about it with a clearer head. I want to be able to help others in my situation. At first, this was a blog to lament and get my feelings and frustrations out, almost like a journal. Now, I want to tell my story and hopefully help others in my position. I am going to try to do a lot less whining and a lot more helping.

Stay tuned...

Chemo so strong...

Chemo so strong that it has me covering my cat's food dishes with Saran wrap just so I don't have to wash them every day.

I wish I could be an inspirational cancer blogger like the many many women my age I see on Instagram lately. I wish I could take pictures of all the vegetables I'm eating and all the working out I'm doing, but unfortunately being diseased has just made me weaker and way more innovative when it comes to being lazy. I've uncovered new and exciting ways to avoid doing work. Cooking is out of the questions, and mostly, I have been subsisting on carbs. It's the only thing I can keep down. I feel guilt. I know I should completely cut out carbs, sugars, and anything delicious and just subside on kale salads and apples, but it's tough. My life is already garbage right now, why make it worse by eating grass everyday?

Sometimes I wonder how I got cancer. I mean, could it be the food? Could I be killing my body right now with bread and skittles? Was it the plastic water bottles I drank out of through all of my middle school and high school lacrosse practices? It's hard to pinpoint one thing considering almost everything has been proven to cause cancer, at least everything enjoyable. There are obese  people who eat horribly and don't have cancer and never will; consequently, there are those who are healthy, the kind of people who run marathons for fun and think a salad is a treat, who end up in my position. Kids who haven't had the chance to soil their bodies with alcohol and high fructose corn syrup get cancer. It just seems random. I'm trying very hard not to constantly fear every move I make. I am trying to avoid being paralyzed by the constant thought that I could be making things worse right now by choosing crackers instead of broccoli.

Cancer is so horrible that, assuming I will come out of this instance cured, I never want to deal with it again. That alone should have me knee deep in asparagus and brussel sprouts. The thing is, I enjoy eating, and I like having a drink. I was never the girl who abstained. Most of my life I lived hard. I am slowing down in my old age, but I still don't want to live my entire life constrained by this disease, constantly afraid to eat a hot dog or drink a glass of wine. Though I am not drinking now, I would like to revisit a champagne brunch in the future, WHEN (not if) I'm cancer free. It's just hard finding that balance between gambling with your life and also wanting to enjoy your life because you really don't know how much time you have left.

I'm tired. Goodnight.

Cry Babies' Gonna Cry

Today was my third day of chemo. Sorry to drop in randomly like this after not posting for almost two months. I know I've been lax in my writing. I sit. I try to write. I inevitably give up. I think in order to write about cancer you really need to take time and reflect on it. You need to do a deep dive. I haven't always been ready for that. Part of having that "happy and strong" fighter facade most people expect from those battling this disease, is avoiding deep dives. The best way not to think is to stick to slogans and one liners. Today I'm ready. 

I started out my day  crying. I found out I wouldn't be getting my usual onco nurse, Sheila, the one who takes time to laugh with me while she explains things to me, the one who never hurts me when she sticks the huber needle into my port. Instead, I got a new fledgling nurse named Poon. I immediately started tearing up like a kid having a tantrum. I played it off as just being nervous. I didn't want to  hurt Poon's feelings. She wasn't bad. She just made it hurt a bit more than necessary. Also, there was a huge language barrier. All of that was minor, really.  The strangest thing was having to yell out "POON" across a silent oncology ward anytime I needed help getting to the bathroom or an extra blanket. 

I don't know what it is about cancer that makes a grown adult, one with a job, her own apartment, who has dealt with breakups, deaths and other weighty things relatively well, break down and start mewling over something as little as being attended by a different nurse. The only guess I have is the lack of control. They say that autistic children need to follow a rigid schedule of repeated patterns, that it gives them a sense of security and control. Don't quote me on that, it might be a "fact" I learned from watching Rain Main, or reading some random magazine in a bathroom somewhere that I will never be able to recall. Either way, it sounds right. It makes  sense to me, and it almost explains why that small lack of control reduced me to tears. 

I don't know, maybe I am way off. I feel like I am shouting into a void. I think about 10-15 have read my last post. If anyone is reading this and you have any thoughts please let me know!