International Survivor Day

Cancer is the worst. Obviously. I don't think anyone hears the words "you have cancer" and doesn't have some idea of what to expect--we've seen the movies, we've seen our family members go through it, and we all know somebody who knows someone who's had cancer before. Everyone is on the same page that cancer is pretty shitty and we pretty much know to expect a lot of bad before you get to start living again, and that's if you are lucky enough to survive.

What they don't tell you about cancer is that the hardest part is surviving. Living life post treatment is one of the most soul crushing, confusing, rollercoaster rides in the world--one minute you are at the top, happy to be alive, and the next you are quickly spiraling downward, heading toward "what if it comes back again?" territory. You're tired. You're emotional. Everything you have been suppressing during treatment to just try to survive and get through it all comes rushing out of you like an erupted geyser of so much pain, fear, and guilt. Through all of this you are expected to pick up all the pieces of your life that have been destroyed by the disease and move on like nothing happened.

What people don't understand is that life isn't like an unfinished book that you can put away for a while and get back to when it's convenient. You don't just pick up where you left off. When something catastrophic and life changing happens. It's more like picking up that book again, but now, for some reason, the words are upside down and you have to adapt to finish the book. It's something I want supporters and people who have friends and family going through cancer to understand--the work doesn't finish after treatment; it just becomes harder and more confusing and because of this, survivors are some of the strongest, most kick-ass people around!

Congratulation to all survivors today and every day for being poked, prodded, poisoned, and sliced and still making it through to tell your story. I'm so proud of you. Whether you are running marathons and celebrating life every day or struggling and still picking up the pieces of your former life, you are making strides (however big or small), and that needs to be celebrated.

International Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day! 

                         
My therapist thinks I'm negative. She's right. I've looked at the world through jaded colored lenses as early as I can remember. I don't celebrate much. Together, we are working on cultivating a more positive outlook. One of the exercises she gave me is basically, in short, to take my response to something like, say, International Women's Day, and basically do the opposite of what I would normally do. In this case, the opposite of what I would normally do is acknowledgement. Typically I would completely ignore this day as one of many arbitrary days on our calendar.

Today, I want to take some time to celebrate being a woman. It's been a very hard year for me and my relationship with femininity has changed a lot. Cancer tends to strip you of your femininity. For me, it took my hair, my eyebrows, my figure, and finally, my breasts. I have never felt so unattractive and unfeminine in my life. The desire to wear form fitting clothes and put on makeup practically evaporated from my life. There are days when I wear my big baggy t-shirt and some flannel pants all day.

I'm not saying that being a woman or being feminine consists of makeup and hair and breasts. I'm am just simply saying that to me, in my life, those things used to be important.  And being a woman means having the right to choose what makes you feel best.

The problem is that cancer doesn't give you a choice. The only options are to give up your hair and breasts/ovaries or die. I've talked to a lot of women in my situation who have stated the same thing: that losing their breasts, ovaries, and hair was extremely distressing and painful to them. They no longer felt like themselves. It's like being an alien dropped in a body that is no longer yours.

Even still, today I want to celebrate myself and all the women who are battling this disease. It's not an easy feat. There are so many challenges, and it takes a strong and powerful person to be able to go through what we go through. It takes a lot to get out of bed and shower despite the crippling doubts and anxiety keeping you up all night. It takes a strong person to go into to work or get up to take care of her kids despite the constant pain and fatigue left over from chemo. It takes courage to get back into the gym after your body has been infused with poison for months.


 Being a woman isn't just about the hair and the boobs. It's so much more. I know it's easy to forget that when you are going through the trauma of what is basically a mutilation of your body. It's so difficult to feel pretty again when you are sick, tired, and missing body parts. But just try to remember that you are so strong and so powerful. You went through something that most people can't even imagine, and you lived to tell the story. That's something to be proud of.

Lova Ya!

Life After Cancer: Food Edition

Cancer is so insidious because there is no one, definitive underlying cause. You can’t point to any one thing and say “that’s what caused this!” Getting cancer is almost like having to deal with that one boyfriend you were with for years who suddenly ghosted you with little to no closure; One day he was just simply gone and you had no idea what hit you or why. 

Because of the mystery surrounding cancer, it’s super easy to become paranoid about it, especially once you’ve had it. There are so many questions left unanswered. 

Since I’ve gotten cancer it has become nearly impossible for me to enjoy anything without thinking “will this cause it to come back?” It seems like literally everything causes cancer—bacon, beer, pesticides on vegetables, water bottles, face creams, AIR. I read an article not long ago that said ASPARAGUS is a cancer causing culprit. ASPARAGUS. Is nothing safe?!

I think one of the biggest hurdles I face as a patient is the thought “did I do this to myself?” and “if the cancer comes back will it be my fault?” I constantly worry when I have a sip of beer or have a slice of bacon in the morning that I am going to give myself cancer…again. I worry that if I don’t adhere to a strict gluten free, vegan, no fun diet that I will be dooming myself to another round of chemo. 

The problem with this line of thinking is that there really is no WHY to cancer; there is no reasoning behind it. There are healthy people who live vegetarian lifestyles and love to run, and they still get cancer. There are children who haven’t had the chance to pollute their bodies yet, and they still get cancer. Conversely, there are those who do drink and smoke and eat horribly yet never have to deal with cancer in their lives. I am not saying that smoking and drinking and eating poorly can’t cause cancer. I am just saying that in the end it seems like a bit of a crapshoot where even if you are completely healthy and avoid known carcinogens, you are not immune. 

So when it comes to my post chemo life I try my best not to stress so much. I am working my hardest and trying my best to be the healthiest version of myself that I can. It’s difficult because I am not a person who eats salads for fun. I don’t necessarily enjoy vegetables. I am more of a meat and potatoes kind of gal, but I am trying. I think that’s the best you can do. Work out more. Eat less of the bad stuff. Take your vitamins. Don’t stress yourself out more than you need to. Sleep.

I think the best thing you can do is practice moderation. Find out the best diet for your type of cancer and work your hardest to stick to it. I’ve had two of my doctors recommend a Mediterranean diet for me— a lot of vegetables and some light meat or fish. 

That being said, live life. Enjoy your time here while you can. If anything cancer has taught me to appreciate the little things, and sometimes that little thing is a big, juicy, cheese smothered burger. 

PS. To ease your mind further, I am part of many cancer groups where women who have survived for over 10-20 years have said they made no significant changes to their diets of way of life. You are not alone!!!!

Post Cancer Anxiety

There was a one month period of my life not too long ago where I didn’t think I was going to make it. It wasn’t a physical thing. Though my post chemo body is slightly damaged, I am fortunate enough to be in much better shape than a lot of the people in my situation. What was “wrong” with me was a more of a mental thing. I know that I have talked about depression a lot, mainly in my Instagram stories, but what I experienced felt like more than that. What I experienced was terror. 

Every day I would wake up to a new fatalistic worry—I was SURE that they didn’t get all of the cancer out of my body or that new and horrible cancerous cells would show up somewhere else, somewhere more deadly and dangerous, like my lungs or liver. Every experience was a new opportunity to worry. A headache was DEFINITELY a brain tumor. A hospital scene in a movie was a new reason to cry. 

I’m not sure what brought on this anxiety. Part of me thinks that during the hardest parts of my treatment—chemo and surgery—I was stuck in survival mode. I wasn’t thinking about much other than making it through the day at work, my next doctor’s appointment, or my next chemo. Another part of me thinks it could have been the hormones in my body trying to right themselves after being hit with constant and heavy doses of poisons of months. Maybe it was a little of both. Either way I suffered a lot that month. 

The truth is that I didn’t do the responsible thing, which was probably to talk to my doctor or oncologist. I didn’t talk to them because I knew that they would recommend depression medications, and I didn’t feel like pumping more chemicals into my body at the time. My anxiety had anxieties and the thought of a brain altering pill was too much for my fragile psyche to handle at the time. Maybe it would have been helpful. I know a lot of my fellow survivors are on depression medications and love it, but I just wasn’t ready to consider it. 

What did I do instead? I whined and complained and explained my fears and anxieties in great detail and ad nauseam to anyone who would listen. I was insufferable. I allowed my anxieties to run rampant. I wallowed in the nasty, grimy crackhouse basement that was my mental state at the time. I didn’t do the responsible thing. 

What I’m trying to say is DON’T BE ME. I mean, maybe be me, but to a much lesser extent. Definitely give yourself some time to wallow and just be in your feelings. Denying that something is wrong and that anxiety is present isn’t healthy. Cry it out. Call your mom. Alienate your friends and exhaust your social media by expressing all of your fears. Let it all out. Try it; it’s so freeing. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for feeling your feelings, but also listen. Hear the advice people are giving you. Try it all out. Someone recommended “The Secret” to me and despite it being against everything I’m about, I  WENT THERE. Read about what other survivors are doing. Allow people to help you out. Find a community. The best thing I did was join a workout program for other cancer survivors— the exercise combined with the human interaction did a lot of my mental state. I went to a survivor group a week ago, which again, is so not me, but it was actually really soothing. 

Most importantly, just know that you’re not alone. If you are afraid, you are not alone. It’s only natural to be shaken when you face actual life threatening experiences. You don’t go head to head with Voldermort only to turn around and go get FroYo with your two best friends like nothing ever happened. I’m sure Harry had to go to therapy at some point in his life. You’re only human and there is a community filled with other humans just like you who experienced something traumatic and feel exactly the same way you do. And if you can’t find that community you can definitely reach out to me. 

Chchchchanges

It's been a while since I have written in this blog--partially because lazy, but mostly because I have been going through a lot of changes this past year. One of the biggest thing that has changed for me is acceptance.

When I first started this blog I was extremely angry, scared, upset, and all of the other maladjusted adjectives in the book. I feared for the future. For me, cancer felt a little bit like going to a very long war with an invisible enemy, not knowing anything about the terrain or what would be required to defeat the enemy. It was terrifying. There was a lot of fear in me, and as Yoda so eloquently put it, 'fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering'. I was going through a lot of suffering. I couldn't deal with it all at once.

Today, I have moments where I suffer. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I can see a future. I have been through some of the toughest things I will face in my life, and I am ready to write about it with a clearer head. I want to be able to help others in my situation. At first, this was a blog to lament and get my feelings and frustrations out, almost like a journal. Now, I want to tell my story and hopefully help others in my position. I am going to try to do a lot less whining and a lot more helping.

Stay tuned...